no worries?

I wrote earlier

noticable lack of cares & worries what others think or see

I also had no problem unbuttoning her shirt on the dance floor; I could have gone further and pobably would have if the venue was burning man.

How do I have that attitude when there hasn't been a buildup? I could use NLP techniques. I want to think of what I am doing instead of what I'm not doing.

There is one further piece to throw in the mix. And it may be the crux. The majority of her attention was upon me. She made no effort to talk with anyone else or to catch anyone else's eye.

Wow...just writing that forced me to stop, cross my arms, tighten my throat, tense my shoulder, and have the overwhelming desire to argue it away. Touching a raw nerve here....

Beaming

A very nice evening on Friday. What made it so?

Getting "there"

• Taking time for self and wife
  
• Ritual of getting dressed to go out
• Bassnectar
• Birthday call to very close friend
• 1/2 tab e , 5mg vike, 100g n2o
• Dancing

"there"

• body language - head & chin up; shoulders back
• emotional state is "beaming" - an exuberant push of emotion, joyous, energetic - fuck yeah
• feedback from others - the vibe and smiles
• play with wife
• water, 2 bites of food, fresh air

"after"

• left shoulder burn gone ~ 4 days +
• emotional contentment for 24 hours and tapering

comment

• experiment with further anchoring of state by rubbing fingers behind back - ever so slight elation without other environs + 3 days
  
• noticable lack of cares & worries what others think or see - this deserves its own post
  

Converse with Self

Woke up at 2am to the anxiety and burning sensation. Thought crosses my mind that I should ask my body what is going on rather than coercing with drugs. Deeply breathing and relaxing. Let myself off the hook and knew part of me was just protecting me and tried to talk to it. Why am I so resistent to my day job, why am I so depressed, what is going on? I know I'm carrying stress in my shoulder and left side. I promised my self that we would become who we are and accept there are no guarantees.

I continued to breath deep and relax so I could hear/feel/see the answer. I relaxed right into sleep. I dreamt of a friend I knew 20 years ago. He had aged and become a teacher. A group of us were fighting an enemy that took away our valuables and disrupted our lives.

I woke up asking myself "What's the point of gaining anything if it's just going to be taken away?" Material posessions, friends, family, routines, memories -- nothing is beyond the reach of being taken away. So why should I do anything?

Experience. The experience of Will.

Anxiety

Full day of anxieties and tremblings. Fragments of thoughts and feelings I can't quite coalesce. I keep catching myself being/becoming attached to outcomes...knowing full well that it expresses neediness.

External and internal stressors involved in circular thoughts and feelings. Breaking state became very tiring. Feeling of being on verge of full nervous breakdown.

Went to bed last night depressed -- low energy, loneliness, anxious. Severe burning sensation left shoulder and back.

Mirror and Mantra

I put a mirror on my desk . I'm getting feedback from others that I look angry or upset. It could be that I'm lying to myself so well that I don't even realize it. So I'm keeping a mirror here so I can see what they are talking about. Also, it's interesting to see the differences after doing some of the exercises. I should probably take pictures for measurement.

The mantra I use for emotional switching is the Law. My definition of Will keeps changing. Will currently defined as the combined, multiple intelligence selves using conscious decisions and intent.
So getting high on Love is the Law, love under Will. Love, that chemical release of oxytocin and neuro transmitters. Chemicals administered under will. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. And that's where the infinite loop kicks in and I am HIGH. Consciously kick off sub/un/conscious routines to change brain chemistry to accomplish whatever. Motherfuckin' magick.